Never The Same

SO by know the Holidays are just consuming the things we are doing. I, have have to admit that I'm making my own cards again this year. That is something that I like doing with Sandy. But I really like doing that anyway. So I tried making a Pop-Up card this time. They are only going out to the ones that send me one. Or close people that I see all the time. that would send me one. They are a pain to do. The the cool factor is way high!!.

Monty is doing ok today. He eat well and drank some tuna water. witch my me happy. Cause when that stops, I have do what I don't whant to do.

The photo is of Foot getting into act of opening presents and Mily Way helping too. Sandy was the center of my holisdays. And the kids made it more special. Even so the could not talk, we could tell the where having fun with us. Chasing paper. Monty was the only one that actuly got up into the tree one year. Just once he did that. And Tonight I remembered he got into the dryer just once, before we tuned in on. He'd alway like to burry him self in fresh warm chothes from the dryer. Or if their was a "lump" in the bed, better check to see if was Monty first. Most likely it was.

I'm not doing a tree this year, I want to put Up my Angles I made last year up. that is about it. Oh, My blue lights outside with a Angle shadow is sonething I thought up.

But I just to upset at times to do any of the fun things we did. I put on a mask to myself when I try to have fun, or laugh. Cause I end up cryng right after I do laugh. ANd with Monty the way he his, just hurts to much. Time for meds so I will do really do this some more.

The Hard Things I Have To Do

Just realizing that I wake everyday, I do have thing I have to do that are just exteramly hard. I still that voice to "take care of the kitties". I don't know if I posted it here or not. But Foot the Orange and white tabby, Sandy's oldest son. Her was her protector. Foot was always by her side. I think now that is the reason why I have so amy pictures of Sandy now, because Iwas taking them of Foot for her when he passed on. How strange. I have more pictures of Sandy that most couples with out real kids. He helped me in the first year. Foot was a 14 years when Sandy passed. I had hoped that he would last a long time. Well he will because he is on my tattoo with Sandy. S0me say they are pets, but the pets we have were ours and only ours. Foot had came to cancer. He had a skin cancer, but he got it bad on the inside, he was not eatting at all. So On August 4th 05 I had to put him down. The vet was very sorry, and she helped make adrangement for me. I had cremated and still have some of his remains onmy key ring. and the rest is out with Sandy, his Mom.

Monty sits proudly next to one of our trees for the holidays. He was the fisrt down the hall and meet Foot first from Milky Ways's litter. I remember the night that I came up with a name for him and is sister that we were keeping of the four. I looked at him and saw a "M" on his face and he became Monty. And his sister. Emily. Monty was my boy when Sandy was a sleep of outside. He loves to be held. We thought he was deaf when he was kitten. but he was being a himself. He is just the kind of companion to have 24/7.

Last week, I notoced something NOT right. I took him in and found out that he has thoat cancer. NOT GOOD. This week has be very painful. Just a super wreck. I almost played Speed racer on I270 last week. I really did not care about anything truly. My kid are dying! That only thing I have living from when Sandy was here with us. And if you didn't know. The most troubling thing is that I had to tell the doctors to turn off the machine on Sandy too. Now you know what all this bring back.

I don't pity, I want to have people be them as I knew them before. I know what I can and can't do. I know that I have to di something. But if refuse to. What dose that make me. A crazy old man, that became of nothing after his love of life passed away? Well sort of.. I'm very complacant to just to keep the things as they were. And that includes our kids. There might be a time that I can dosomething postive, but I just rather wait and see what the outside world show me. Right now I don't like it much out there. The attuids of people are just so hard to read. I have some new friends that were a easy read. And I cherrish them dearly. I can't say that I wish I had meet them sooner, but I do. I think of the cometian that has to laugh. The ones that he makes laugh think he is weird when he had to laugh. Same gose with me. I very depressed. and when I can't drag my self to return calls or chat it up, I'm not being distance, I'm just being the Randy that they don't know.

I will miss Monty very MUCH. He was always with me. And his ways will never be copied. Those what I have to remember, and try to find quialties of him later. Keeping in mind that they are going to be diffrent, and have there our things they do. But love them just as much.

You Just Don't Know

I feel that the days are really a mess at times. I still have the feelings that Sandy will be home any moment now. The antisapation is what is the key here. But why, I don't know any more than I did last year at this very period. Sandy would have been 41. But, always my 28 year old. I do find that the memories of things that happend to us that I would not have normaly remebered are comming back as I converse with other people. I still say 'we' as in Sandy and I. I'm not afraid to say to people that my day is rotten. and most times it is.

I still learning what to do around here at home. I kind of kept track of things this past year for the heck of it, and to wonder what it is like to be alone.

Sandy, are you ready?

"I guess, you are a goof"

In one summer of 2006 mowed lawn 10 times.
in the last year I've used 12 large cans of coffee. that is about 1 pot everyday even on weekends.
I had approx. case and half of beer at the house, total
13 rolles ot tp
gone full blown shopping at Kroger 4 times.

I thinks the time passing is a circle of monents that I have to try to find the next dot to carry on.

One YEAR!!!! :-(

Wow, I realy can't beleave that it has been 365 days. To tell you the truth, It's only been a couple of weeks. I'm in a stae of depression. I Know I can have here back in this life time. So, I made up my mind to work to have here back at a later time. Now that is a untimate goal. I will try to do the best I can, I my slip up, but My love for Sandy is as strong as ever. I realy miss her bad. Real Bad!

Sandy was the BEST wife and best friend to me. Some of the people I have not seen in a year, nor have they stopped by. I gave up on the phone. I realy don't want to talk on the phone. Alot of things we had talked about and have done in the life we had are comming back with every momnet. those thought will never leave me.

And with the peice I put in the paper, needed to be said. I gave them ( Sandy's family ) apple time to male some sort of positive contact with me. No Dice on there part. So, I put it out their so they can crew on it for awhile. Just self centered, non compasiante (sp).

'Sandy, I have learned quite a few new things, of coarse, i'd rather have not had to, but none the less I needed to. You said many times 'what would I do with out you?'. I offten wondered myself. The sad and truthful part, this had Never should have happened. They can put a man on the moon, we could have fixed this. I know I can't dwell on that part of this path now, but it's like a bad cup of coffee, the ligering taste can make you for get what your having with it. I know alot of things that I need to do. I have strived to make them happen. One I have found new freinds from the Pontiac car world. That really makes me proud of myself. And I completed the goal of getting the 69 GP up to the Woodward event. Now, I can do more things around here at the house.

time to leave for work have to go.'

It's been a while??

Although, I have not been writing that much, it's not because lack of of thought. I can say I have been better. It realy bothers me that "I got to do" this and that. I don't have to anything. I know that my freinds and are suffering to. But this time I soon not be the center of attention. I have no back bone and being a third wheel is not my way. I never have befor felt the sence to put myself on some one. I figured it's there choice. For a simple exsample. I always say morning to the people that I had worked with. It was just a nice way for me to say, hey. Or, how was your weekend? I'd thought if I would do this, some would get it that I would like to have this asked apon me, or having the simple greeting from them first. It don't happen. In 99.9% of the time it dose not happen. Then, I have banked on many comments to me by many. It's hard for me to do anything with out just being "kidnapped" I guess I have to learn to walk again, and I can't do it by me self. And althoug all have there own lives to live, I must teach myself to live agian. And in the mean time, try to get all the things done I must do to keep up on the daily stuff going.

I still need to rescan some photos of Sandy for the master set can be put in a safe place. Amust other things. I should just be strapped to this mac and "Get-ur-done".

Stick and Ball vs Engine and Wheels

You have to wonder how some like the stick and ball sports and some like the "Engineered" sports. i.e. motor sports. Not just Nascar, i'm taliking F1, Rally, Sports cars, Datona Proto Types, IRL, Champ car, Outlaw sprints, MotoGP, AMA Super Sport, Flat track, Speedway, Trials, Motorcross, Supercross, and all the local tracks with the same passion for racing lawn mowers to snowmobiles on grass.

That is alot of people!!

Just on the same comperason, from the 'school yard' saying "takes one to know one". You have to be 'one' of something to know the other is. This is true with the hurt I have been dealing with. I had a kind of a moment. From the inertangable numbers down to one. Kind of a needle in a haystack. I meet this dude that was riding a 74 harley that he and his 'ol lady' has been just about every where with it, or I should say on it. It was at consert that I recently attended. Come find out, I kind of knew something was up, His wife passed oct 05. We is in the same shape as me. And we have kind the same rules as I do. I know I meet him again. So, that brings me back. I need to find my own way on this deal. If that takes me to others we the same pain as I, I will go.

Although, I feel like the picture of Sandy. A vast mountains are out there, I don't know if I'm up for the challange or not. But this photo was taken at Oregon and Washington state line, near a small town of Goldendale, WA. I caught Sandy taking a panoramic video of the land. As we were sharing the veiw.

(I'm not done with this post. will contuinue.)

OverHauling

I need something. But I don't know what. How dose that grab you. Sandy, I remember how you would ask if we wanted to 'walk about the block?' or how you would want to do something but just did know what. Stuck. But you always found something to get you going. I need something. I just now know how much you hated being alone. I just that. I might take a call, then I might not, it just depends. Lately no, i don't want the easy way out by calling. So I just might not do the phone for awhile.

How I miss your concerns, your sound, your smell (remember, I always smelled your neck as I was trying to kiss you), your laugh, you, just you. I really don't have any thing to loose. I thought I was just saying that to give me a reason to try something new. But I'm now sure I REALLY DON'T HAVE anyhthing to loose. As far anything that might matter.

I could be with by the next sunrise. I'm sure the kids would wonder. But I really do wonder if i'm going soon stop. BUT on the other hand, if I don't...... am I able to funtion? I often wonder. It feel like i'm just going thought the motions and _boom_ time to go to bed, and do it all again. Is that right?? I mean IS that really right??? Is this what love dose to people when one is gone?? I think so. It's that strong. It can make me think if my heart will beat another time before I wake. I'm surprised every morning when I do wake. Sounds kind of morbid, but I am. I have to do it again.


I do miss you Sandy, I truely love you with all my being on this earth. I wish you well untill that time.
Your Randy Forever

Everything Is A New

In this part of the USA, spring is finaily showed up to play. Sandy your flowers are coming up where you put them. I might have to make some adjustments because the tree is now just an image to us. I think I put my finger on why I'm so depressed. It's spring and I don't have you here with me, when everything is a new.
So, in honor of that, I got you a new latern. Layed out 6 bags of nice potting soil, re raked out your space. Took out the big clumbs of stuff and rocks. Then I came home and did some work around the yard.Trimmed out the tall grass plant. I think I should brake it up some this time around. It's really big. I'm going to some homework on the rest of the plants you have. I don't want to mess them up. I seen where you put the poppie seeds from last spring. It will be nice.
I also had Earl fix my eshaust leak. It was a flang on the pipe that needed a bolt. It runs alot better now. I wish you could see this car. I'm going to show it as a survior. Just as it is. it that nice. So by going up there is was a good day. I'm in pretty bad shape. I hope I get out of this slump. Mom has be not much help. But she dose not what do either. It would have just been nice for her to come over. It's not that far. But oh well, you know don't you. You always knew. It was just you and me. That is what I and i'm sure you always wanted. Now this adrangement is the pits. I know that things will be better when we are together again. You know what I said, and I'm going to sick to it. Sweety, your all I ever wanted, and I plan on keeping it that way.

On a good note!! Emily has been coming up to me while I out watching t.v. She is letting pet her and she is reaching out to me. I was floored when she came up on my chest and layed down. It's been more than 7 months since she has done that, SoI thought this photo of you and her would be a good one.

Wish me a good week at work, It's been a rough one last week. But I still have a job. And I'm learning a ton. I mis you very much, love always and for ever.

What am I doing???

I have to ask my self all the time. "What Am I Doing?" It's been 7 months since Sandy became an angel. It's only like a few days ago. As I said before Time is different now. I really don't think I can even tell you what I am doing let alone plan anything. I do know I just rather sit in the middle of no where and be content. I noticed I did that when I pulled in the driveway, just sitting with no apperent thought process going on, just in a daze.


I think of things I should do, or would like to do. But when I comes time, I don't have the desire to any thing. For exsample. I want to drive either the 76 gp or the 69 gp. But, I find all the negitive things that I shouldn't do that task. Ever move three car out of the drive by yourself, it's not as easy as you might think.

In the picture, Sandy had the look of the question at hand. I see that image as well as her every expression every second of the day. It's a major hurdle to anything around here of a practal purpose. Beside cleaning up my messes. I have a few, only a few things that need tidded up. But not bad. Like I said earlier, Its like, why am I here when I don't want to be. I'm not doing any good. I like I might, but am I? Just a very depressed person. you can't argue that. It might be a while befor I see the 'better side' of things.

Sandy? Yes, I do have a bit of good news! Emmiy is getting up on me while i'm on the futon! I find my self setting right where you are in the snap shot, or standing at the hallway. But she came up and reached out for me. I was very moved.

I miss you so much, I know you are as I'm missing you. Hang in there Randy I know you can you do it. But honey, The problem is that I don't want to. I rather just have the world be gone now and we can hang out again. Are there any signs that I can have to help? I'll see what I can do for you. You sleep like a rock, so the dream thing is not going to work, right? :-), I'll work on somethign for you, OK? Ok hon, I need something, just anything.

love you always

Our Kind of Place

You know that all things have there place. All people, seems that they have a calling. Well, if this is not a calling I dont what is. Just a bit of humor.

As I was watching my car shows tonight. I thought how my boys of the Cat varity came to accept me with Sandy way back when we went one our one date. I know they deep care about me as I do them. I wish I could do more for thwm nut I realy try to give them as much as I can. as two of them are watching my fingers move on the key board want to play.

I must find some joy is this cycle.